Miami Valley Hospital

I am awake.

I still look for the person who took the blanket off of me, so positive they moved to my right when they removed the blanket.  But, no one is there.  I hear someone say something and look left.

My sister Jeri is smiling at me. "Well, hi there!" She is sitting on a small couch across from the foot of the bed.

I must have drifted off because when I opened my eyes, my dear friend Penny is standing next to me, holding my hand. She was smiling, talking and I think crying. While I’m lying there my brother Randy walks in, looking at Jeri and talking (I think) then sees that I am awake. “Whoa! Hey there!” He smiles.  He is surprised that I'm awake.

(Be aware as you read this.  I am positive that I am NOT remembering in proper order, but I am remembering.  That is what is important.)

Apparently, Randy has been discussing with Jeri and Shelby what to do with me. I have no living will in place so they have to make some decisions.  Being on the ventilator for over four weeks, it seemed I would not be able to breath on my own.  Randy was already talking to someone from a rehab place.  I think I may have been on my way before the ventilator came off.

Randy asks Penny to leave the room as they need to discuss issues that are for family only. Penny leaves and a man enters. He is from a place called Kindred Hospital. (Note:  I tried to tell Randy that Penny should stay as she is like a sister to me.  I didn't want Penny to feel left out.  My mouth or voice doesn't seem to be working properly)

It does not occur to me (until much later) that I have Randy listed as my emergency contact and the person who is responsible for making decisions on my behalf.

Thinking I may never get off the ventilator, the hospital couldn't help me any longer.  They have discussed with my family something called “step-down” rehabilitation. Basically one place gets you to a certain point then you’re passed off to the next rehab place.  That sounds cruel (the way I put it) but it is as true a statement.  Now that I am better, I realize that they didn't think I would ever get off the ventilator.

I am in no condition to make decisions for myself but Randy and Jeri, God Bless them, look at me for confirmation each time a question was asked and they had to answer. We all agreed that I should be moved to Kindred. Time frame is seven to ten days.

When the man left I asked Jeri to come closer. I tell her I have to go to the bathroom.  She looks at me, trying not to smile. “You have a catheter, just let go.” Easier said than done, but I did.  I think she was surprised that I felt the urge to go. I don’t think one should feel that urge if one has a catheter. (I also remembered when that catheter was put in)

I am scared. Penny had to leave, Randy had to leave and I ask my sister if she can stay a little longer. I am remembering my dreams and do not want to be alone. She agrees and stays until I fall asleep.

I don’t think I slept very long. I am determined to stay awake. Remembering a couple of the dreams has me very upset and I begin to cry. I do stay awake though, on and off.

I get through the night without any pain, no guards over me and no key to find.

I must be doing better as Jeri feels it is okay to tell me that she and Eric have decided to go to our niece Sarah’s wedding. The wedding is the following weekend but they want to go down a week before. I am okay with this but just a little leery.

When my friend Becky comes to visit she tells me that she will be gone for about two weeks, after Jeri and Eric return home.  She will be helping her cousin.

I sleep a lot. I am becoming uncomfortable not used to lying in bed all day. I’m hot then cold. I can’t turn on my side and my feet have some sort of “boots” on that are thickly lined with lambs wool.

I have lost time. Just over a month. I am upset at this thought and begin asking questions.  Becky is taking care of Micah, my good friend Sandy is taking care of Mr. Mister. Believe it or not, I am aware and relieved that most of my bills are paid automatically. At least the major ones. I will figure out the smaller ones later.

Two things I remember while I was on the ventilator.

Penny’s daughter, Emily works at MVH.  I remember Emily talking to me twice while I am out of it. The first time she is in my face, literally, smiling and talking to me. “You’re doing so good. Keep it up Shirley!” I remember reaching up and touching her face and trying to talk to her. The second time was much the same but I remember thinking how beautiful she is. I do remember that both times, Emily held my head in her hands making me look at her as she talked to me.

I remember seeing my niece Sarah. She is standing near the foot of my bed and smiling at me. I think she is talking to me. I can hear her voice, I recognize her voice but she is just smiling. I don’t see her mouth move and her voice is so far away.  (Jeri tells me later that Sarah is with Adam, her fiance and introduces him to me.  I don't remember that part at all!)

Jeri is gone and I am alone. I think I do pretty well and Becky does visit, just not every day.  She lives in Brookville.  I asked that the boots be removed from my feet and when they were off, my body felt so free!

More than once I become afraid and cry.

I also start to become aware of my body.  No one has tried to do anything with my hair.  It was braided down my back when I went to the doctor’s office.  My fingernails are twice as long and my skin looks snow white because it is so dry and flaky.

One nurse is kind enough to try and do something about my hair. It isn't until she begins, do either one of us realize just how bad it is. It’s not just tangled, it is matted. She tries to brush it out but in doing so, pulls hair out. She's not hurting me but so much hair comes out in chunks we both decide it’s not worth it. She promises to return the next day to cut it off.

That same day, a woman from the rehabilitation department comes and talks to me.  She wants to get me up.  Okay!  Sitting up is a major accomplishment, and I tend to bob back and forth.  She wants me to stand and  assures me she can take my weight. She will help me and I'm trusting and oh so willing. She pulls me up and I am a rag doll! I can't even wrap my arms around her for support.  She promptly drops me.  I don't hit the floor but still, it frightened me to tears.  I think she was surprised at how weak I was and wasn't prepared for me not to be able to help her, help me.

She is full of apology and all I can do is cry.  I am an emotional person, always have been and most likely always will be.  But, it does seem that crying comes a bit too easy.  And at this point, so does a little fear.

The next day I am being moved. Early. No hair cut and no more trying to stand up. There is a hustle and bustle of getting everything ready, making sure I have everything that’s mine. My purse and my cane. They ask if that’s all I had and I really can’t remember if I had anything else.

An ambulance takes me to Kindred Hospital.

Dreams

I've tried to put my dreams in writing and fall short every time. I either get ahead of myself or forget to add something important. My brain knows what is happening in order (i.e. a-b-c) but I tend to write about 'a' then jump to 'c'.  *sigh*  Which is probably why I've had very little published. 

Still, I'll try to forge ahead here.

Back in the day I used to have a recurring dream which was frightening and disturbing. It involved a fiery car crash. Each time I had this dream it would take me further into what was happening.  For instance, the first time I dreamt this dream it ended with a car exploding at the bottom of a hill, killing the driver. The next time I dreamt it, the driver had followed me home. The time after that, he was knocking on my bedroom door.

This dream went on for a long time. I tried to find out why I kept having this dream and why it continued.  Everything I found wanted to tell me what the dream meant.  Honestly, I had that figured out from jump.

More recently, I read an article that says: 

“We dream every ninety minutes throughout the night with each cycle of dreaming being longer than the previous.  The first dream of the night is about five minutes long and the last dream you have before awakening can be 45 minutes to an hour long.”
                                                           -Lauri Quinn Loewenberg (Woman’s Day)

My dreams have always been unsettling, even as a child. Pleasant dreams came along every now and then but for me, bad dreams outweighed the good.  So it was while I was in the hospital.

Here is what I remember:

I was being guarded by two giant trees. I am assuming they were trees as the trunks were covered completely with leaves. These trees had no branches or stems or any other protrusions most trees would have; just the leaves.

The leaf covered guards stood on either side of me and although they had no legs that I could see, we moved forward.  As we walked across an open field, a forest seemed to materialize far ahead of us. I had no clue as to where we were but the forest seemed to give me some sort of familiar periphery. I began looking about. I thought if I went right, it might take me home by a direct route; if I went left, it would take me out of the way but I could get home nonetheless.

How I knew this though surprised me.  I saw no roads or buildings. No landmarks were visible.  All I could see was the field we were walking in and the forest up ahead.

I tried getting ahead of the guards but immense pain brought me to my knees; gasping for breath.  They waited patiently for me to get back in formation.  

As we got closer, the forest, dense with every tree imaginable, seemed frighteningly dark.  I know if I go in I'll never come out and decide to make my move.  Bolting to the right, I began to run.  The pain was searing but I didn't stop.

                                                           >>>>>>>><<<<<<<<

I was sitting cross legged on the ground.  A campfire in front of me offered warmth.  A man sat on the other side of the fire, head bent over his hands; his hood hid his face.  He seemed to be making a rope.  

A breeze came through pushing at the flames of the fire. The trees around us made hushing sounds.  I saw the two guards, now not so gigantic and obviously at home among the lush foliage of the forest.

Pain shuddered through me and I held my breath waiting for it to pass.  The man looked at me.  I tried to identify the pain as I waited for him to explain, but he lowered his eyes and said nothing.

As he worked on his rope, the spasms of pain continued; so bad at times I cried.  Then, I realized he was talking to me.  I couldn't hear beyond the pain.  I think he wanted me to do something but I didn't understand.  The pain was so intense yet I couldn't pinpoint where it hurt.

Weariness swept over me and I let my eyes close.

>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<

I found myself walking with the man from the campfire. My pain had subsided but was not completely gone. We were walking through the forest.  I knew the guards were close by, I needn't look back, I could hear their movements.

The man explained about a key I needed to find.  If I found the key, I was free to go home.  

I looked at him.  Still unable to see his face I asked what the key looked like.  He stopped and sat on a rock.  I could feel a wave of pain rush over me, but I wanted to go home.  Apparently, I was moving on alone.

Not so alone though, the guards were behind me.

>>>>>>>><<<<<<<< 

Afraid of what I might see, I slowly opened my eyes. Leaves. All around me were leaves.  I carefully sat up. I had slept in the crook of a young oak tree. It was night.

The hunter’s moon shone bright against the darkest sky I had ever seen. Moonlight tipped the trees across the way and below, a creek mirrored the moon. I smiled then covered my mouth.  I was afraid of the peace I felt.

But nothing happened.  I smiled again.

>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<

I could feel my body tremble with cold and opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was a key hanging on the wall.  Desperately I reached for it and realized I was bound with some sort of straps.  The straps tightly fastened the calves of my legs, my thighs, forearms and chest.  I could move my head, my feet just a little and my hands but to what end? 

I was lying on the ground in a hut not much bigger than myself. Light filtered through cracks on the wall where the key hung. I needed that key! I tried to reach it with my right hand and saw that I could almost touch it. A wave of pain moved through my back and shoulders.

With very little room to move I tried to wiggle onto my side but that pulled my hand away from the key. I struggled to move downward and I did but just a fraction. Still, it was enough for me to try reaching the key again. I could touch it! I could just about get it between my fingers!

I thrashed back and forth trying to get closer to the key. This time I was able to move it upwards just a little with my middle finger. I just needed to lift it off the hook. Pain shot through me and the key fell against the wall but I was determined. If I could get it off the hook it might slip down into my hand.

Carefully, I stretched my finger and wiggled it under the tip of the key. It felt stable so I crossed my index finger over my middle finger securing the key between them. Thinking the grooves of the key would allow some control I slowly moved my fingers up.

It was working! I nearly had it! Sweat began to trickle down my face. I was suddenly hot. All I had to do was get that key over the tip of the hook and I would be free. I blinked back the sweat and the key fell away. Great cries of weariness flowed out of me. I was so hot!  

Someone was over me ripping something out of my throat! God help me! The pain!  I struggled, trying to scream then saw what came out of me. Bloody and frightening.  What were they doing to me?  I was so afraid!

Then suddenly, it seemed as though someone tore a blanket off of me.  I was so certain of this I looked to my right to see who it was but no one was there.

I slowly looked around then to my left. Jeri was there. 

 





  

   

August 2012

It is August and I'm not doing well at all.  At this point, I am beginning to think that it is more than anxiety or panic attacks.  My heart races and at times it is beating so hard, it shakes my body.  Still, if I get sidetracked like working on fall cleaning, I don't notice it as much.

I do notice I have to take a few more breaks than usual.  

I had a very nice birthday, lots of best wishes from family and friends and the day was so enjoyable.  I still wonder if it's all in my head and still take comfort in what I see outside my window.

August storm clouds.  It never rained one drop after watching this display.

I see some beautiful sunsets on my side of the building.

Not long after my birthday I saw these clouds.  They seemed to be so low, I thought it might not take much to reach up and touch them.

A little "contrasty" but still just beautiful.  My pictures just don't do justice to what I saw.

My racing heart never caused pain. Not once.  Another reason to believe it was my panic attacks.  It is now the end of August.  I am watching a movie on my computer and it's almost time for bed.  I take the last sip of my soft drink.  I feel something pull in my throat but pay little attention to it until I'm getting ready for bed.  It seems to be worse but I think it will go away by morning.

I get up around one a.m. and the pain hasn't gone.  It's worse and now, the left side of my neck hurts as does the muscle area on my chest.  Thinking it might be heart related, I get up the nerve to call an ambulance.

I spend most of the day in emergency.  They have taken blood, done x-rays and monitored me through out the day.  They want to keep me over night.

Obviously my heart was fine during this time because the next day, the doctor decides that it is some sort of strain.  (I tried to tell them this from the beginning)  I'm released and go home.

I spent the week trying to stay occupied. My heart continued it's racing and I simply didn't want to think about it any longer.  By the weekend though, I'm back in the hospital.  I called the ambulance again and I was so frightened.  The pain was so bad this time.  So bad it literally hurt to talk.

The squad who came to get me this time may have been the same as last time.  The so called "captain" was less than sympathetic and would ask me questions barely giving me time to answer and becoming frustrated (that he was there?) tossed something that bounced off the buffet onto the floor.

They settled me into the ambulance and while they were plugging me into their monitors, I made a comment about the man in charge.  I didn't know he was sitting behind me at the time.  Once I was "plugged in" we were ready to leave.  "Captain" makes a comment from behind me "I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot" or some idiotic statement like that.  I made no response.

Once again, I was in the hospital over night.  This time, the highly trained emergency room doctors decided I had "a little bit of pneumonia" in the left lung and a "small rib fracture" on the right.

Really?  Okay, I went home with antibiotics and even more frightened.  I made an appointment to see my regular doctor that week.

I forgot to add the photos below.  I took these September fourth, after my first trip to the hospital.

I love teapots and had this one sitting on my buffet when a friend from downstairs came to visit.

She brought these beautiful sunflowers.

Don't they look perfect in my teapot?

My appointment with my Dr., Dr. Perez was on September 13, 2012.  This time, my heart not only scared me, it scared the nurse who was doing my vitals.  My doctor came in, took a look at the EKG and said that the nurse was calling an ambulance.  They had Becky come in at that point too, as she was the one who took me to my appointment.

I was in emergency again.  This time was much different than the last two times.  I just didn't know it.  The last thing I remember was the emergency room nurse (who wasn't very nice to begin with) prepping me for a catheter.  I had never had to have a catheter in my entire life so I was ignorant of how it was done.  Oh, I had an idea of what it entailed but I wasn't prepared for it and before I knew it she was between my legs.  I must have tried to stop her because I realized I was being held down. 

I don't remember anything after that.

Well, I do remember the dreams --- and the pain.

It's a New Year

     I really can't believe 2012 is gone.  On New Year's Eve I tried to think of what I've accomplished in 2012 but not much came to mind.  Realizing this was a bit painful as I always try to accomplish something during the year.

     I couldn't even continue to blog in 2012 for goodness sake!  My last post was when I wrote about Micah.

     Realizing that there was very little accomplished during the year, I also had to be brutally honest with myself about my health.  January 2012 brought about a heart condition that I did not become aware of until October.  In the beginning it felt more like a panic attack.  Something I thought had been long gone for about seventeen years.

     Because I thought it was my panic attacks, I treated it as such. So did my doctor since my heart seemed to do what it was supposed to when I went to an appointment.  My blood pressure was always 120/70 or in that general area.

     Still, something was wrong.  I was feeling more anxious than usual.  I blew that off as getting used to the anxiety again.  Clonazepam helped me through some of this some of the time.  The anxiousness brought about tiredness and this led to weariness.  I didn't feel like doing anything.

     Believing it was anxiety, I still tried to do things.  It seemed once I was involved in doing something I would begin to feel better.  It didn't matter what it was.

     I still love to take pictures and although I don't have my old 35mm Pentax, I try to take photos of the things I enjoy.  People pictures have always been my favorite but my second favorite is photographing the sky.  Below was taken February 2012.

   

     In April 2012, we, the family, decided it was time to start getting together again.  We went to Logan's Roadhouse in Troy.  Please note:  The flash on my camera tended to "blast" everyone with white light; hence the b&w pictures.

Jake and Kelsey

Jenny, looking beautiful as ever.

Kelsey and Jeff.  Not the best photo but still a good picture of them.  Kelsey is about seven months pregnant in this photo.

Lisa hates her picture taken so I took one far away. Luke on the other hand always has a smile for me.

A closer picture of this handsome young man.

Randy my brother, my sister Jeri and her husband Eric West.  Jeri has a bandage on her head from some skin surgery she had.

Randy and me. I really like this picture.  Again, it's b&w because of the flash.

   

Tabitha, Jenny's joy.










An April sunset looking towards downtown.

   

I love clouds and watching them march across the sky.  It seemed like May was a good month for this---Day or Night.

These aren't the best shots but I think I got the idea across of how colorful the sky was during this sunset.

I couldn't believe I actually got these next two, it was getting really dark but the colors were amazing!

Not one of these photos really do justice to what I saw that night but at times it seemed the sky-----

------was on fire!













Also in May, Kelsey graduated from high school.  Randy and Lisa had a party for family and friends.  I may have known about ten people out of what seemed like a hundred people.  I never did find out how many people were actually at her party.

These first photos are drawings and artwork by Kelsey.  I think she's very talented.

This one is my favorite

This is just sweet.

She also has made some beautiful jewelry.

My cousins, Diana Maggard and Teresa (Davidson) Allen.

Lisa, my sister-in-law was in the kitchen almost the entire time we were there so it was funny when I just posted these two photos and see her standing in the background talking to people I do not know.

 Eric, Lisa (Davidson) Miller, Jeri

Not the best picture of Eric but still a good picture.

Jeri and Kelsey

Lisa

Lisa and daughter Malina who also graduated this year.

Randy and Diana

Rick McKinley, Kelsey, Diana and Jeri

Sweet Sandy ~

My lovely cousin Teresa who can't seem to smile for any photo I try to take of her.

The graduates, Kelsey and Malina

Rick, Kelsey, Diana and Jeri
A much better picture than the above one.

Flash blasted us both so bad that our faces were almost not there.  A little fixing made it a little better and it was the only one of Kelsey and me.

The next few photos show Kelsey's many accomplishments.

June 2012.  Micah showing me how handsome he is.

Mason Patrick was born to Kelsey and Jeff Kuenning.  We got to see him on June 24, 2012.

Look how serious.

He's lying on Kelsey's lap and looking at his Uncle Luke who is talking to him.

 


It's July now and I'm not feeling well.  I'm confused that my panic attacks have continued for so long.  I have more bad than good days and it's frustrating.  It still doesn't occur to me it could be anything else but panic attacks.

At this point, I want to add a few pics from my Florida Family.  I believe the last time I wrote about any of them was when Anna had her first, Evelyn Davidson Abella.  Just goes to show you how long it has been since I wrote or posted pictures.

Ellie is about 20 months here.  This and the one with Catie were taken during vacation.

Grandpa and Evie

 

Tita Lee and Evie

Victoria

                         

Ellie and Evie

I don't get to see too many pictures of the dads so here is one with Jonathan and Ellie.




And below is Gabe and Anna with Victoria.

Here are what the Florida three look like at Christmas 2012.

Anna and Evie

Grandpa and Victoria

I could sit here and add a million pictures and still not be satisfied that the reader has sufficiently seen how my  family has grown but I'll end with the two below from 2011.  One of these days, I'm going to make a photo album of Evie's expressions!

At the end of July, Shelby made a trip up to Dayton.  He would be attending his 45th class reunion.  His timing to be with family was a bit off though. Randy and Lisa had already planned on going to Hilton Head for vacation.  Plus, Anna, Gabe and Evie and Lee would be coming in for that weekend only.

Randy and family were leaving for Hilton Head on July 28th, Shelby and his clan would be able to visit with them for a short while on the 27th while Randy and Lisa packed for the trip.

The next day, they had plans with Yellow Spring Friends and I think one of the girls left Sunday.  On Monday, Jeri and Eric, Jenny and Tabitha and myself, finally got to see Shelby.  He would be working and visiting until his class reunion on August 3rd and 4th then head home that next day.  Below are the only pictures I took while we got to see him.

Jenny Shelby and Jeri

I have a few more pictures I want to post in my blog but I'm saving those for the next posting.  I'm ending this here as by this time, I'm not doing very well.  It is August and I was fooling myself into thinking it would all pass.